Thursday, August 30, 2018

Let Go Of The Junk

Yesterday's junk.  
It was still hanging around this morning at 4:30 when I couldn't go back to sleep. It kept me awake last night way longer than it should have. 
Boy is there some of that still hanging around in my head.
Yesterday was probably one of the roughest days I have had in awhile. I got in my head. I allowed myself to question the journey I started a year ago.
I completely forgot the healing crisis I went through. I forgot how a year ago I could barely get out of bed. That I napped in the car while Cassidy did gymnastics for 2.5 hours two nights a week and still went to bed at 8:30... and woke up exhausted every morning for the next 6 months-and now I coach 4 classes a week instead of napping in the car.

I forgot how good I feel on the inside, and that what I have been doing has been working- even if no one sees an outward transformation. 
I forgot about the first time this summer I could wear my wedding rings during the day and all day because I no longer had massive inflammation in my body. 
I forgot all of that because momentarily I allowed myself to forget how far I had come, simply because I wasn't meeting expectations someone else had set for me. I forgot all of that because a number on a box that measured my gravitational pull to the earth didn't change. Even though I was making my best attempts at diet and exercising 3-5 days a week. I allowed myself to feel less than. I then allowed myself to throw a pity party all day. I probably lost 2 pounds in water weight in tears. 
Why? Why did I do it? I honestly can't answer that question. I just know I have to trust that I know my body, and that it has been through so much in nearly 16 years. and even 1 year of healing isn't probably enough. That there is still internal work going on, and I have to trust that, and fuel my body to the very best of my ability, and listen to what it's telling me it needs. And I have to trust that it's all a part of the plan. 
So sweet friends- let go of yesterday's junk. I am.

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