Thursday, August 30, 2018

Let Go Of The Junk

Yesterday's junk.  
It was still hanging around this morning at 4:30 when I couldn't go back to sleep. It kept me awake last night way longer than it should have. 
Boy is there some of that still hanging around in my head.
Yesterday was probably one of the roughest days I have had in awhile. I got in my head. I allowed myself to question the journey I started a year ago.
I completely forgot the healing crisis I went through. I forgot how a year ago I could barely get out of bed. That I napped in the car while Cassidy did gymnastics for 2.5 hours two nights a week and still went to bed at 8:30... and woke up exhausted every morning for the next 6 months-and now I coach 4 classes a week instead of napping in the car.

I forgot how good I feel on the inside, and that what I have been doing has been working- even if no one sees an outward transformation. 
I forgot about the first time this summer I could wear my wedding rings during the day and all day because I no longer had massive inflammation in my body. 
I forgot all of that because momentarily I allowed myself to forget how far I had come, simply because I wasn't meeting expectations someone else had set for me. I forgot all of that because a number on a box that measured my gravitational pull to the earth didn't change. Even though I was making my best attempts at diet and exercising 3-5 days a week. I allowed myself to feel less than. I then allowed myself to throw a pity party all day. I probably lost 2 pounds in water weight in tears. 
Why? Why did I do it? I honestly can't answer that question. I just know I have to trust that I know my body, and that it has been through so much in nearly 16 years. and even 1 year of healing isn't probably enough. That there is still internal work going on, and I have to trust that, and fuel my body to the very best of my ability, and listen to what it's telling me it needs. And I have to trust that it's all a part of the plan. 
So sweet friends- let go of yesterday's junk. I am.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

When You Struggle To Find Your Tribe

We've all seen the saying lately- "Find your tribe, and love them hard."  I think its something we all desire- a group of people you would do anything for- who will help you with your struggles, strive for better things with, and in return you do the same.  It's the way life should be, right?  We should have this band of brothers (or sisters) that would would through fire or over coals to ensure you are okay.

For some of us though, the struggle to find that group of people is, well, real. Really.  We want that group of people, we crave it.  But it seems every time we put ourselves out there, hurt ensues.  Can you tell I am speaking from the heart here?

I only speak from my perspective here- but it's a struggle that I have had for many years.  I have anguished over it, been bitter about it, been depressed about it.  It wasn't until a year ago that I truly accepted that the tribe I was trying to insert myself into wasn't receptive to me.  That one was hard.   I felt a lot of anger over it.

But God, in his infinite mercy and grace, has slowly started putting me into new positions, groups, and challenging roles in life- and I think I am finally starting to find my groove.  My tribe.  I celebrate new friendships and bonds over like mindedness, health goals, desires, attitudes- and even in the midst of those things there is a love of Christ.  I am amazed that God has graciously put new people in my path once I let go of the ones that weren't for me anyway.

But God.

How many times do I hold onto these people and relationships that are seriously toxic to my walk, but I crave acceptance so much that I still cling to hope that a group or person will bring me into the fold?  How many times have I been jealous of situations, or friendships or relationships that I see others sharing in? If I speak honestly, there is a great amount of time that I do these things.  We waste so much time- time and energy that could be used so much more positively in this world if we would just allow time and opportunity to be used.

I want to be used up for God.  I want to be in groups of people who have a like minded goal in this.  That they honor and glorify God in the day to day.  I am so excited that I am finally accomplishing this.  My heart is happy in the times I get to share in these new ways and places.  I go to bed feeling fulfilled, and appreciated.  It's been so long since I have felt that way.

Do something for me today.  Take time to let your tribe know they are appreciated.  You will lose your band of brothers and sisters slowly if you take, and never feed back in, and never let them know you are thankful they are there.

Look for others who might be a good fit for your tribe.  If you have struggled here- you know how it has felt to be left out, to be hurt, to feel like you are walking this world all alone.  Be looking for those people.  They need a tribe.  They need to hear someone cares- they need to know they aren't alone.  They need a place to let go and be themselves- not the fake selves they are being to fit in somewhere they don't belong.

And finally- if you are still looking.  Here is some advice.  Stop being someone you aren't in the hopes that some group of people are going to want you.  It's not worth it.  I promise.  You are giving up a part of your peace for nothing- because once you are yourself you will find yourself on the outside again- and hurt again.  Look for genuine people.  They are truly still out there.  I promise.  Never give up that search.  There are groups of people who are really like you- and see life in the unique way you do- and they are searching for someone to share this journey too.  Embrace the journey- find your tribe, and never stop looking and growing.  Because once you find that tribe, they will celebrate your journey and growth.

To everyone in the last year that has embraced this craziness we as a family call life- Thank You.  I hope we are a positive part of your world- I hope we inspire you to see things differently and love the life you have.  I pray that you see a little bit of God in our world.