Friday, October 23, 2015

Day 18- Rehabilitation- Psalm 143- Seek God In The Midst of Disappointment

This week has been the ever famous third week of rolling emotions.  I say this, because in every kind of recovery, there is inevitably some kind of set back, or issue that causes the dreaded emotions and what ifs of any situation.  As a Christian, I genuinely largely refrain from that question, but in the still, small, quiet hours of three AM in a hospital, it sneaks up on you.  And then it sits like a heavy brick on your chest.  And then, you have to ask the doctor, therapist, specialist etc... what if?  

That moment came yesterday.  I had been awake two solid nights, and laid awake at 3 am and had some kind of cosmic revelation (in my own mind) that took me back to Wyatt's recovery from the first major orthopedic overhaul he had 4 years ago.  I started doing the math and counting weeks... and BAM!  I came to the conclusion that we were not nearly even close to where he had progressed to at this point in his rehab last time.  Enter brick on chest.  Finally 7 A.M. rolled around, I got Wyatt up and out to therapy, and then I called my Mom, because I needed to say words that not anyone else on this planet would understand at that moment.  After my mental moment of weakness, I took her advice.  I went back to the therapy clinic while Wyatt was in an activity, and talked to his physical therapist Ms. Shannon.  

After a couple of minutes of talking, I realized that I was truly seeing Wyatt's situation for what it was.  He was not going to have the monumental recovery he had last time. At that point, Wyatt wasn't even looking like he was going to walk out of the hospital.  The reality yesterday was that it was going to be another 3-4 months before he was back to walking full time.  He was going to be dependent on a wheelchair.  

And then I let my emotions take me for a joy ride for a little while.

I struggled with the thought, "He walked into this hospital in April to have surgery to make it better, and now he's not even going to leave here as good as he was?"   Yea.  That's a big one.  I assure you, my anger, and resentment could have taken control quite quickly.  I wrestled with how to ask God why, without shaking my indigent fist at Him.  And I sulked.  Alot.   And I faced reality.  I can't even say I prayed at this point... because any words I said to God at all were not reverent, or with any kind of heart of joy or love, or anything remotely appearing holy or righteous.  Selfish.  That's about the only word I can use to describe what I felt.  How hard it was going to be to have two babies in wheelchairs.  How hard it was going to be for us to do anything as a family because Wyatt would require so much more than he had been in the past.  Going out in public, taking him hunting, anything that brought him joy was going to take more effort from me.  


So this morning,  after going through our "Shreveport" morning routine,  I regrouped, spent time in Proverbs (I would say I had a heart condition and Proverbs always gives me the right medicine), and studies in Acts, and attempted to reign in my emotions.  I won't say it was easy... but I am thankful I did.  I went back to a conversation Wyatt had yesterday with Ms. Shannon while they were walking... he finally admitted to her he was in pain.  So after consulting with Ms. Shannon and the nurse, we decided to try pain medicine preemptively in stead of treating symptoms.  

It worked.  

Wyatt walked twice the distance today in half the time.  

Does this mean he is going to walk out of here next Friday? Highly unlikely.  But it gave me something I desperately needed- Hope.  I have to remember that no matter what happens, my hope is in something Eternal.  And I have to remember that what ever happens, it happens to bring honor and glory to God.  In whatever shape or form that takes.  I have to be confident in him.  

I came across this passage of scripture that was exactly what I needed to hear- 

Psalms 143 

I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.
Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Deliver me, O Lord, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.
10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.
My enemy?  My doubting Thomas self.  I am so thankful for a God who answers prayers, and walks this journey with us, even when we doubt the aspects of his love and devotion to His children.  In spite of myself, He is still there... using all of us for His Glory.  
I am so sorry I didn't seek Him early, so that maybe this could have all turned out differently (at least emotionally) but still thankful for the truth it presented for me to face.  

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, How encouraging to hear that you are facing your fears and acknowledging your need for Christ. With his love you will conquer this battle and grow stronger! I am so proud to call you my friend and sister in Christ. I will continue praying for you and for Wyatt's recovery in God's time.